I never spoke to anyone about my sexual fantasies and I may have never gotten to say the words until I met Jonathan. I find it incredible how some people can help you to grow and reconsider your limits, while other can drag you into the abyss of desperation.
I registered with a new site that was apparently matching people, and I connected with a German man. We were an 80% match and I did not want to lose the opportunity to meet this very sexy looking guy. Is it not amazing when technology tells you with whom you match the best and on which subjects you will be fighting?
Our first exchange was very simple and I got from him this message:
Hi,
I like your profile... why don't you check out mine and get back to me if you are interested?
Cheers,
Jonathan
...to which I responded:
Dear Jonathan,
I read your profile as suggested and I did not see anything that would make me run away. I will be very honest with you. You have to know that I am a "No Future Woman", so I strongly do not advise you to meet me if you are looking for a serious or permanent relationship. I am married and very happy in my life, just trying to fill the two things I am missing, someone to talk and sex.
Life is beautiful. Let's enjoy it!
Yours,
Clio
I could not understand where he was really living or working, if he was in Connecticut or New Hampshire, and he was apparently single (with a girlfriend, two houses and a complicated life). I did not ask details because I do not care for lies. Nothing drives me more crazy than someone insulting my intelligence by making up stories, and it is absolutely incredible how people on dating sites feel the need to lie about everything, even when you do not ask them a single thing.
We met for lunch on a very rainy day near my work and we planed an encounter somewhere in Connecticut. I appreciated that he booked the hotel and that I was not the one organizing. We decided to meet directly at the hotel in the evening and I planned to spend the night there with him. I like lingerie very much, so while I was preparing myself during the morning, I sent pictures of lingerie, clothes, and shoes to Jonathan so he could pick what he liked the best. I came to understand that in his choices, he had special fantasies and certainly a dominant profile.
On my way to Connecticut, I wondered how it could happen that I was meeting an almost total stranger in a hotel and willing to have sex in a blink of an eye. I am the children of people who practically invented "sexual liberation", but sent me to obtain a Catholic education in a nuns' school because they wanted to redeem themselves front of a society that needed proof that they were living by "the rules".
I don't have words to describe the way I was raised, but I will give you an example so it will be easier to understand. I had to swear to my mother that I would not have sex with my first boyfriend (two years of pure love), and because I always keep my promises, I never did it. She gave me contraceptives in case I did not respect my promise (a lot of trust and faith in her daughter). The first man I made love with was a perfect idiot. While it would have been a better experience with my first love, at least I did not get pregnant and the neighbors did not talk about us-- the perfect French idiotic concept of garder les apparences or "respect appearances".
While driving to Connecticut, Jonathan sent me a text me with the room number, telling me that the door will be open and that he will be naked and blinded. I understood that he wanted to fulfill one of his fantasy, and the best way to get the most of it was to make his fantasy mine. I had never played the two-perfect-strangers-meet-in-a-hotel role play, but I liked the scenario and I was going to be the leading woman. What a change from my last eight years as a perfect spouse, wife, cook, housekeeper, gardener and working woman!
Jonathan's body was incredibly sexy. I am glad that my biking helped me to with my endurance, because after two hours of an amazing sex (or was it three hours?), I did not know where I was any more -- or maybe I was just on a little cloud, flying very high. We had dinner together, and then Jonathan left. I wanted to enjoy sleeping on his shoulder and the feeling of his body against mine all night long -- so much -- but I suppose that it was not part of the fantasy. I stayed most of the night awake, my eyes big and open in the dark, waiting for the morning to come -- thinking about how I had fulfilled my need of sex, but how I was feeling so lonely, because I did not need only sex, but someone to love me.
I never saw Jonathan again, because you cannot have the same fantasy twice and I could not offer him a new version, but I am thankful for what we shared and I will remember him as my sexual fantasy encounter.
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